Had them see the signals ? Why is that people are so blind to see the truth ? Or could i have been wrong ? Is it generation GAP ? Well if it is, i am in the most disadvantages as in mid between gen-X and gen-Y. an XYers (1976)
The transitional buffer of generations. Inherent for baby-boomers toxic waste, cleaner for early X's trial mistakes and the demand by ungrateful gen-Y. Should we need to sing the weathermen song or che-guevera triumph ?
The XYers is the outcast ? Should we just sit and watch to avoid further damages ? Or fought to try even at cost of making further mistakes ? Yet the bill is counting, and time is running. Decide ......
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Exit Point
Exit point from the life itself. I have no idea why I feel that the more I try to fix and makes thing right, the more I feel that I am not belong to this world anymore. I feel as if I am an alien and clueless on the surrounding event.
Is death the exit point. Am I asking for premature departure. Am I feel hopeless ? Seriously I dont felt any. In fact the core problem is that I dont know what am I feeling exactly. For sure I realize this might be the side effect of years suppression of my own inner feelings towards values and fundamental principles that I compromise all these years subconsciously.
Thinking such return to non-exist into the nothingness. Erase or reverse back present to the starting point of nothingness. Needless to say such emotion of sorrow and sadness did occur in mix of feelings in understanding the inner conflicts.
Wishing secretly if I can turn back time from the beginning of the story. Where the future seems so bright. Yet after 35 years, I still cant define or distinguish the brightness of sunshine or the spark of lightning. Having said, darkness seems useless when brightness is meaningless.
To the owner of my soul I seek forgiveness and wish I will be given the patience to endure and gratitude in enjoying.
Am I still bleeding inside ???? I have no answer,,,,,,,,,but I did heard wise man said, "The day we can rest assure and relax is the day when our feet first step into our great grand parents homeland. The day we met our father and our supreme creator for which give meanings for all what we know in this fanaa world. Anyway, there is still long way up front with lots of transits and painful journey to go. God, give me the will and effort to endure and appreciate what I should be thankful with.Ameen
Is death the exit point. Am I asking for premature departure. Am I feel hopeless ? Seriously I dont felt any. In fact the core problem is that I dont know what am I feeling exactly. For sure I realize this might be the side effect of years suppression of my own inner feelings towards values and fundamental principles that I compromise all these years subconsciously.
Thinking such return to non-exist into the nothingness. Erase or reverse back present to the starting point of nothingness. Needless to say such emotion of sorrow and sadness did occur in mix of feelings in understanding the inner conflicts.
Wishing secretly if I can turn back time from the beginning of the story. Where the future seems so bright. Yet after 35 years, I still cant define or distinguish the brightness of sunshine or the spark of lightning. Having said, darkness seems useless when brightness is meaningless.
To the owner of my soul I seek forgiveness and wish I will be given the patience to endure and gratitude in enjoying.
Am I still bleeding inside ???? I have no answer,,,,,,,,,but I did heard wise man said, "The day we can rest assure and relax is the day when our feet first step into our great grand parents homeland. The day we met our father and our supreme creator for which give meanings for all what we know in this fanaa world. Anyway, there is still long way up front with lots of transits and painful journey to go. God, give me the will and effort to endure and appreciate what I should be thankful with.Ameen
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Hardest time
I just can't kept it anymore. Today is 26th of May 2011. The 56th day of my retrenchment since i got lay-off from my company after servicing 11 years.
Plenty things to said but I kept it silence. Another peak of my turning point after disasterous event. I am like starving and dying man of thirst who had bite his tongue till bleed and have to swallow his blood and pretend to smile all the way like nothing happened.
Am not asking for neither sympathy nor empathy. Not hoping for understanding or concern. In fact I am not wanting anything. For sure I am exhausted. Very very exhausted. Hoping, chasing dreams, live and risking and all that stuff. I am very exhausted to think, to feel, to plan, to do, to bleed, to smile, to pretend or to be myself.
I've just got back from bloody war. Loosing the war and return home to my clan to find that I am not relevent anymore to exist. I've been defeated badly in the battlefield with horrible findings of betrayal by my brothers. And return home with expectations to make the right things but instead was punished for the failure to be deserted and become an outcast.
Now I am wavering without my swords, carrying along me with shame, disgrace, humiliation, memmory of betrayal and wondering how stupid I am from the beginning.
Frankly I don't know what to say or to describe my feelings or my thoughs. But what I can say is that I am like a Ronin ( masterless samurai with discrace and degrading )the lowest of outcast or pariah of pariahs. Once a noble respected warrior of prestigious clan, and now a homeless, broke and outcast ronin.
I am neither the elite anymore nor the commoner. Neither management nor technical. I am in Limbo. Have to return back to basic with humiliation.
So thats why I am like Ronin wavering alone in limbo state. Exist but not entirely exist. Win most of battle but loose the entirely war.
I really wish I can be just disappear. Kinda like a US vietnamies vet.
Plenty things to said but I kept it silence. Another peak of my turning point after disasterous event. I am like starving and dying man of thirst who had bite his tongue till bleed and have to swallow his blood and pretend to smile all the way like nothing happened.
Am not asking for neither sympathy nor empathy. Not hoping for understanding or concern. In fact I am not wanting anything. For sure I am exhausted. Very very exhausted. Hoping, chasing dreams, live and risking and all that stuff. I am very exhausted to think, to feel, to plan, to do, to bleed, to smile, to pretend or to be myself.
I've just got back from bloody war. Loosing the war and return home to my clan to find that I am not relevent anymore to exist. I've been defeated badly in the battlefield with horrible findings of betrayal by my brothers. And return home with expectations to make the right things but instead was punished for the failure to be deserted and become an outcast.
Now I am wavering without my swords, carrying along me with shame, disgrace, humiliation, memmory of betrayal and wondering how stupid I am from the beginning.
Frankly I don't know what to say or to describe my feelings or my thoughs. But what I can say is that I am like a Ronin ( masterless samurai with discrace and degrading )the lowest of outcast or pariah of pariahs. Once a noble respected warrior of prestigious clan, and now a homeless, broke and outcast ronin.
I am neither the elite anymore nor the commoner. Neither management nor technical. I am in Limbo. Have to return back to basic with humiliation.
So thats why I am like Ronin wavering alone in limbo state. Exist but not entirely exist. Win most of battle but loose the entirely war.
I really wish I can be just disappear. Kinda like a US vietnamies vet.
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