I just can't kept it anymore. Today is 26th of May 2011. The 56th day of my retrenchment since i got lay-off from my company after servicing 11 years.
Plenty things to said but I kept it silence. Another peak of my turning point after disasterous event. I am like starving and dying man of thirst who had bite his tongue till bleed and have to swallow his blood and pretend to smile all the way like nothing happened.
Am not asking for neither sympathy nor empathy. Not hoping for understanding or concern. In fact I am not wanting anything. For sure I am exhausted. Very very exhausted. Hoping, chasing dreams, live and risking and all that stuff. I am very exhausted to think, to feel, to plan, to do, to bleed, to smile, to pretend or to be myself.
I've just got back from bloody war. Loosing the war and return home to my clan to find that I am not relevent anymore to exist. I've been defeated badly in the battlefield with horrible findings of betrayal by my brothers. And return home with expectations to make the right things but instead was punished for the failure to be deserted and become an outcast.
Now I am wavering without my swords, carrying along me with shame, disgrace, humiliation, memmory of betrayal and wondering how stupid I am from the beginning.
Frankly I don't know what to say or to describe my feelings or my thoughs. But what I can say is that I am like a Ronin ( masterless samurai with discrace and degrading )the lowest of outcast or pariah of pariahs. Once a noble respected warrior of prestigious clan, and now a homeless, broke and outcast ronin.
I am neither the elite anymore nor the commoner. Neither management nor technical. I am in Limbo. Have to return back to basic with humiliation.
So thats why I am like Ronin wavering alone in limbo state. Exist but not entirely exist. Win most of battle but loose the entirely war.
I really wish I can be just disappear. Kinda like a US vietnamies vet.
